Wednesday, January 21, 2015

3 AM.

Assalamualaikum and a very very good morning. Okay,like seriously,this sounds like a speech- um. I mean the introductory part. Dan kenapa aku menulis entry di pagi buta ini ? Tepat pukul 3 pagi. /sighs deeply dengan hidung yang kurang berfungsi dengan baik disebabkan oleh flu yang melanda/ Actually,I was sleeping rather early last night dan tiba-tiba terbangun untuk ke toilet around 2 AM,dan lepas tu,mata ni tak mampu untuk meneruskan tidur. I have no idea of why. Phone pulak aku letakkan dalam silent mode kerana takmau any gangguan semasa tidur 'kononnya' but then, I ended up wide awake,dengan kepala yang sedikit berat since I have been lacking of sleep. And here I am starting to write my blog again, having something to share with all of my readers. I don't know if my entry would be a beneficial one or nah- but here's the thing. It came deeply from the bottom of my heart,based on my very own experience and I am still trying to learn about the world,the people around me and even improving myself for the better. Whoever I will be in the future, is what I am made from the past. My past and today would make me a better person in future or either way round. So, here it is.

My life has been a really dull one,and why dull ? Because I was a wallflower, very introvert, never initiating a conversation unless one's start it first, but often, I made the conversation died with a sudden gush of wind passing by. Nahah. A bit overreacting but yeahah. Reasons of becoming a wallflower? One,I was a fat- almost going to the obesity level-girl and that results in two, I have a veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeery low self-esteem that 0.0001 % is not even reachable. For that, at that very time, most of the thing that I often think whenever I talk to the people around me is "would they like me ?" "what actually they think of me?" "Oh God,I am like freaking fat they would hate me." "Everyone hates me for being fat.""No no I don't deserve this world full of perfect people." "I wish to die."

"I wish to die." The last thought. Yes. I do have this wish back then. But do not judge me. I am,thankfully,still alive and well,breathing the fresh air instead of being lifelessly underground, covered with white cloth. Alhamdulillah,despite my immature wish, Allah let me live. So, during school holiday in 2008,I have made a decision that is to change my life,myself and my lifestyle. With the support of my very own beloved mummy, I lose about 10kg in a year. By 2010, I changed completely. I look even slimmer, I bought new jeans since the one that I always wore last time were all loose. Changes size from XL to M. And finally having a curve instead of that straight-filled with fat-looking body. Since then, I have been quite renowned in school, I have been more confident to talk, I participated in a lot of school activities such as English Parliamentary Debate (which I really loved to do and still loving it a lot),Bahasa Melayu Parliamentary Debate,English Drama,Syarahan Agama, and etc. I took participation a lot in debate though I seemed like a very quiet person. /coughs/ Early reminder, do not mess with me because I can always find a point to argue on if I am not that lazy. ha-ha.

Why am I even talking about this? To make you change your looks ? or visual? To make you feel insecure of your own self ? Nah. No. A person's personality does not depends on one's looks or weight or height or even skin colour. It depends on you, your choice, on how you want to be ?You want to be good or to be bad,your choice to make. Weight,height and looks are just a bonus, if you have like a pretty or handsome face, or a perfect body curve and all that.The thing here is, as I grow up, I realized, beauty does not lies within a perfect body nor good looks. Real beauty comes within a person with a good heart,a big confidence and an amount of love. You may have looks, but if you have some kind of shitty mouth then, TA-DAH, sorry you're UGLY. Different people has different way to gain their confidence,so none of us have any rights to judge them. Some may wear thick make-ups, some may wear branded clothings, some for example me; works hard to lose weight in an appropriate way. I don't take any pills or supplements, The only thing I did is working out with a mini gym in my petite little house. Haha. Oh, for that, I have quite like muscular arms and legs or maybe some abs at that time but now everything turned into fats again because I have been lazy to work out these days.

So,what am I trying to say is, you make your choice or your choice makes you. If you choose to improve and be a better person,then be it. It is not changing you. It is called improving. It's like Iphone , being upgraded to Iphone 4s and iphone 5 to,5c and soon 5s, something pretty much like that. They improved how it looks and the things inside (excuse me,I forgot the terms because I don't speak tech language muahaha). Yeah, sort of. You are you and you choose what you are. You make what you are. Not a person living in this earth have rights to judge you for what you do, (unless, if you choose to be a criminal then, I'll reconsider whatever I am saying..). Here's a last one before I end, do not bother whatever people say. Take whatever mockery or sarcasms as a motivation to succeed and get what you dreamed of. They may say it is impossible for you to achieve, but then, ignore them. We wouldn't know what luck you have in there and with a bit of perseverance and determination, you will succeed ! I have been preaching for like an hour. I have officially finished writing this entry at sharp 4AM. I don't know if what I am trying to say related to each other but I am just telling what I have been through and what I have learnt from it. Till we meet next time, with another life experience (hopefully). Goodbye. (:
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